5. Dr. Lecter (Silence Of The Lambs)
Arguably the most famous evil fictional doctor of all time, Hannibal Lecter is well known for treating his patients more like groceries than people in need of care. Not only is he a psychotic cannibal who frequently murders and eats his patients, he’s also kind of a snob. Most of the people he ends up sautéing came to him for help with mental health issues. But the oh-so-discerning Lecter is easily bored by their bourgeois problems and like that other famous psycho, Bugs Bunny, can’t help imaging them as giant turkey legs lying on his psychiatrist’s couch. Sure, every once in a while he’ll spare someone if they’re interesting (or young and attractive like FBI agent Clarice Starling), but if you book an appointment with Dr. Lecter odds are you end up the feature ingredient in his latest culinary creation. You should have known something was up when he prescribed garlic cloves and a spicy dry rub marinade for your depression.
4. Dr. Emilio Lizardo (Buckaroo Banzai)
There’s always an air of mystery around a doctor. For most people, a visit to the doctor is like a conversation with someone who knows a lot more about Star Trek than you do. You may understand some of the words and get a reference or two, but mostly you just nod your head, trust that the person knows what they’re talking about, and try not to fall asleep. But what if that mysterious knowledge was only the half of it? Take one Dr. Emilio Lizardo in the 80’s cult masterpiece Buckaroo Banzai. Sure he’s a brilliant doctor who knows tons about all sorts of bigheaded science stuff, but he’s also a lizard alien from another dimension with a bizarre accent, outlandish hairdo, and the posture of an Alaskan King crab stuffed into a human body. Not the kind of guy you want to strip down to your undies in front of. But really, Lizardo’s name should have been a dead giveaway. For future reference, stay away from doctors whose names sound like creepy animals. Sorry, Dr. Ratso!
3. Dr. Steven Brule (Tim And Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!)
Of all the MDs on this list, Dr. Steven Brule from Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job has to have the most suspect qualifications. Barely intelligent enough to carry on a basic conversation, Brule’s glaring lack of understanding of the human body, basic social codes, and just about everything he comes into contact with do little to instill confidence in any potential patients. Despite the fact that he’s reached a position of authority as a TV expert on health, Brule’s “Rules” (his ridiculous health tips) usually involve nonsensical advice for problems totally unrelated to medicine. To top it off, Brule looks and dresses like someone who has never seen a mirror. With his thick glasses, wild perm, and as depressing brown and mustard colored wardrobe, he looks like he should be selling furniture in 1978, not dispensing medical advice. But hey, Dr. Lecter was brilliant and he ate people, so maybe a dumb doctor is the way to go.
2. Dr. Mindbender (G.I. JOE)
Just like Doctor Brule, G.I. JOE bad guy Dr. Mindbender loses points right away for the way he dresses. We know COBRA does things a little differently, but there’s no reason for a licensed medical professional to show up for work wearing skin-tight purple pants, knee high boots, no shirt, a monocle, and a cape. It’s just unprofessional. Sure, he’s got a pretty good body, but come on buddy. Save it for the beach. Only an organization as lame as COBRA would hire a madman genius who specializes in mind control and is able to successfully clone an evil warlord from the DNA of history’s greatest warriors, but doesn’t own a shirt. Mindbender is also COBRA’s chief interrogator, a position he achieved despite the fact that he looks like a Nazi trying to blend in at a gay pride parade. Seriously, how effective at drawing out secret information can he be? One look at this clown and even the wimpiest prisoner isn’t going to crack, he’s going to crack up. For all his genius and mastery of the human mind, one question continued to plague Dr. Mindbender for his entire evil career. How do you torture someone who can’t stop laughing?
1. Dr. Zaius (Planet of the Apes)
To be fair, if this list was being written for a comedy website on the Planet of the Apes, Dr. Zaius would be a lock for the top ten best fictional doctors. Among chimps, he’s a well-respected, brilliant ape who is a leading figure in his society. His counsel is sought in the most serious matters and his wisdom is cherished by all who know him. Any sick gorilla would give his last banana to have Dr. Zaius on the case. Unfortunately for those of us who don’t think termites are a healthy snack or throwing our own feces is the best way to make a point, Dr. Zaius is one evil monkey doctor. Incapable of seeing humans as anything more than a “pestilence” to be wiped out, Zaius’ approach to human medicine involves too little compassion and way, way too much castration. Under his merciless care, Planet of the Apes hero Charlton Heston is tortured, experimented on, and eventually sentenced to death. He escapes, but not before Zaius has done some serious damage to him. Proving once and for all that that old saying is true: “No matter how well educated, respected, or esteemed he may be, never trust a damn dirty ape!”